05:08 Jul 24 2010
Times Read: 908
A part of me wants to ramble on and on tonight.
Another part simply is too tired for words.
It is humid- not really hot but HUMID, I am exhausted. I ate too much, I hurt and over all simply am ready to rest but know there is much more to do.
TV stand is set up- as soon as I can get a ride to the store I will have a TV. I arranged to go on Sunday with a friend, but honestly I want to go sooner. However I have clients, haircut/colour, picnic, more clients and then a party tomorrow. Plus I still have to move my surround sound and the last of my DVD's down here. *sigh*
I suppose Sunday is not too long for TV awesomeness with surround sound. Granted I have not had my own TV since 2006- Monday, don't expect me to do much more than drool to my favorite movies on the big screen as up till now, I've used an 8.5" portable DVD player or my 15" laptop for movies. Now I can do yoga in my living room... oooo and so much more.
Aside from all the amazing things, I am still sad. I'm working on it- not in an emo kind of way... wait no, I am a bit emo- but I'm not sorry for it. With all the illness of family/loved ones- I am allowed to feel something. More over I will not let myself be ashamed for having feelings- it is part of who and what we use to "create" us.
My date with the pilot went well- or I should say as expected. While I know I'll see him again, a part of me simply wants to end it now as it is just as I recall- that said- it is not why I am seeing him. So until I work that part out, I will continue. Perhaps this is feeding into my meh feeling- or plain and simple it could just be this weather, where I desperately want it to rain.
Who'd a thunk it, with how much I bitched about Seattle's rain! LOL
Night ya'll, see you on the flip side :)
14:56 Jul 19 2010
Times Read: 1,011
It has been way too long. I had a very long discussion with a friend yesterday, one that has been dearly missed but the timing simply demanded that we not be “around” or available for each other. Actually I am just leaving a state where that has been my norm.
Honestly- if you think about the many cyber adventures, the fact remains I needed last night. It has been ages since that aspect of humour and personality has been touched on. Too many people simply are unable to go there and fully understand. That we did, and it was just like then, and spirit spoke- I am honoured, humbled and pleased. See the past year or so I’ve felt lost. Yes I’ve had my close friends in on what is happening- but to have someone not involved who could hear, reflect and in the reflection take what they needed- ah- I miss that. Where working on self leads others to keys they needed, and vice versa.
Thank you.
She stirrs from slumber, it has only taken five years, but in truth that isn't very long at all...
Another Fabulous weekend 16:34 Jul 18 2010
Times Read: 1,039
In the roller-coaster that is my "life".
Had my date with the pilot, and indeed things are looking very positive in that aspect. He was funny, charming, open, honest and fun. In all truth I think there is a real potential for our arrangement to lead to an honest friendship even once this is over.
The types of learning I am looking at, seems to be similar for him- and truthfully having the boundaries in place at the start creates a bit of a "safety" zone for both of us-while still allowing for the fun.
Consider the difference of a camp fire made in a fire pit, vs. one just made on the forest floor.
What I don't like is that I'm going to really have to work at my balance emotionally as it is acting like a teeter-totter... and honestly part of what I learned last night is that I do still hold the same moral thoughts- it's just that I'm in a place where they will hinder me more than help me.
That this feeling is shared, makes the entire situation more as we have freely discussed the ramifications and instances where things have gone wrong- as well as how positive it can be if done right. Over all more and more, I'm seeing how this will be a very good thing for me, and I hope him.
Plus, I think I found my Fag :D and yes this is a great thing. See I've always had gay friends, and when I moved here- I didn't realize how conservative it is, and how that changes the "alternative" scene. I'm used to having at least one gay boy that I can go out and play with and typically have a wonderful time... but since I've moved- well I've met a bunch of middle aged men that seriously think that acting like they are 20-something will be something I find attractive.
Granted I would if there were ANY maturity there- but since there is very little emotional maturity, I'm not interested in the least. Add to the mix that I'm very clear on what I want long term- and what that means emotionally, spiritually and physically- well to say I'm picky would be an understatement.
But back to my gay boy... he's fun, frank and I simply adore him. We have a date set for monday for a "nooner" heh :) I can't wait to get to know him better, and hopefully he shows up for retro night so we can dance the night away again!
Things truly are great for me, even with all of the heart ache and break. That's just how life is sometimes, and while I know I have not given up on Charlie, and I know how much of our "issues" are miscommunication... I will not stop living for him or anyone. Even in a different circumstance I think I would end up here- as it is right. That is part of the boundary I need to learn...
Sadly it is not one that I grew up with, and am watching my mother learn how to do this in her later life. Granted I'm not a "spring chicken" but I'm still young enough that I can correct the fallacy of the ideals I was raised on. Because while they are true, the are also not healthy. With some tweaking, I am confident I am on the steps to finding where it is right/and where to maintain myself.
Whew... what a life!
23:37 Jul 17 2010
Times Read: 1,051
Here goes nothing... tonight we see if the negotiations go forward or are thrown out.
I'm nervous, excited and well all over the place. It doesn't help that I spent most of today around Charlie as we were helping a friend move all day. What does help is knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that this type of set up is what I need.
In talking to my friends from Seattle, who have open relationships- it became clear that my personal issues that I want to resolve will be done much easier with what I'm looking at- than trying to build a relationship and not have done the work.
The hard part is my moral core while I "accept" this in others, has always thought "never, absolutely NOT"... and yet- here I am. And I can't seem to find another way of specifically working on this, without doing exactly as I am.
Time will tell- and speaking of which I need to be there in 20! ACK!
22:54 Jul 16 2010
Times Read: 1,066
A lot of my thoughts revolve currently around choice. Why we choose to do certain things, and why people will shrink from their truth- and in the grand scheme of things make a situation "worse" than it would have been if a simple truth were spoken from the start.
It takes courage to speak your truth.
It takes compassion to understand the hurt it causes is only temporary.
It takes patience and faith in others to trust they will respond in an appropriate manner or eventually come around.
All we can do is be courageous in our own actions, and patient with the faith that others will meet us. If they do not, that is acceptable as we don't all have to be "buddy buddy" but doing these actions will never leave us wondering "what if" as we will have used the moment when it was presented to us.
Think of how many less "crossed wires" and miscommunications we would have simply by doing this. Ironically, some miscommunications occur because of how technology works in our lives. By being too available we set ourselves up to not fail, but in some ways we open up too many wires. Thus we increase our ability to "cross them".
This weekend has elements I'm really looking forward to and others that I'm not... so much is happening/changing I’m truly having a hard time adjusting to all of it. When I get home I find I simply need rest. Tonight I suspect will be no different and with my phone line being down I look forward to the break.
So yet another sleepless night11:32 Jul 16 2010
Times Read: 1,081
And I marvel at how you do it- I’m finding more and more I can’t Charlie. Each time I see you- all I’m reminded of is the friend I was promised, and now don’t have.
I keep asking what reason there is for this kind of pain, and what lesson I need to learn-
And the only answer I come up with- is None.
There is no purpose, there is no reason for this type of hurt. So why is it every time I see you I end up like this? This is not what friendship is supposed to be like- this is not anything I’ve dealt with before. Part of me simply hates you, and yet- there is the part that when called to help by your best friend-I found a way to make things happen for you- knowing full well that if shoe on the other foot- it would not be the same for me. Hell even when things were good- it you were not there- and worse, afterwards you retreated and “ran” even though the pretence was you weren’t, that you were there.
Simply put, I keep trying- keep putting myself out there for the friendship, when I have to acknowledge a friend would have noticed half of a month of not talking to me- sick or no. Especially when previously there was contact almost every day. I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of not sleeping, and I’m so tired of feeling like I’m chasing something that I shouldn’t have to chase.
It hurts too damn much, and I don’t even have the friend I could talk to about all of this. Ironically now with my phone gone- I don’t have access to you- which I’m thankful for. Other wise I know I would answer each text you sent simply because every time I see you/talk to you- there is that hope that we can go back to the friends we were. Yet each time I open up for that hope it is crushed completely and I am left in a worse state of being for doing that.
Perhaps that is why the only way out I can see is to destroy a bit more of my sensibility, so that I can hate myself for something I have done wrong, instead of hating myself for doing something I know is right if it were a healthy relationship/friendship. Because frankly it is not doing me justice- and I know I will still want to be there when you’re around although I will end up hating myself a little more each time. Just friends I could handle- if there were such a thing, but what this is- Is simply put- me over extending, over feeling, over caring for someone who doesn’t give a rats ass if I’m around or not.
How the hell did I allow this to happen?
15:41 Jul 13 2010
Times Read: 1,126
It is killing me, my mind. Slowly I think that I'm losing all sanity with these thoughts that go into circles, changes I know I've need to do- but somehow thought they would be done differently.
What is the hardest is seeing yourself for possibly the first time, and knowing it is truly you. Yet not liking where that will take you.
Ironically I would envy someone else in the position- but for me, it is not who I saw myself as, and so it is an extreme disappointment.
04:17 Jul 13 2010
Times Read: 1,139
In light of my recent realizations, I've been in negotiations with a gentleman in my area regarding starting a type of relationship that had you asked me a year ago, I would have told you there was no way in hell I would do. However given where I am, and where my head is at- if done properly it has the potential to be a very supportive and healing endeavour for myself, and a positive outlet for him.
So far the discussion has been frank, honest and fun. Until he asked me about my passions. What is it that made my heart beat wildly, caused me to break down into tears and then want to laugh like a maniac all in the same instance?
How do you put into words a force such as this? Is there any way for me to honestly answer this question without thinking of the elemental forces that enliven and strengthen our spirit, while breaking it? Where is there justice in the complete and total loss of what you were, in the gaining of what you will become? How do you explain the earnestness of a glance or a conversation where before you stands not a man, but a kindred spirit- one that would walk through fire if it meant preventing something from hurting you.
These things are not always stated, but they are expressed in how a look turns into a conversation. Where the joy of expression is simply a smile that shows the souls contentment. Yet in the hubris of our lives and expectations such a force is diminished by trying to control it, by taming it to the mundane parts of living.
Even when diminished it will not be tamed, it must be acknowledged and grieved. For it was pure in its raw state, and it was our humanity that interrupted and flawed it by thinking instead of feeling. Allowing outside influences to tarnish it instead of using what was known to be true and good. It is the downfall of all men, and yet it must be experienced in loss to be fully understood.
It is that communion of spirit that truly moves me, and while I am honored to have job where I am able to connect with many people in such a way to assist them- it is rare that someone is able to do the same for me. It is why I choose my profession, and why no matter how cynical I wish to be, I will always acknowledge there is a time and a place when all is made known. It is my purpose, strength and weakness. Other than this, I do not have proper words for it, as it simply is.
The grass seems to bend under it, and when taken the sun looses a bit of its lustre. Yet still there are no words for the force it brings out, the longing in spirit and the pain that blinds us.
Five years today02:32 Jul 10 2010
Times Read: 1,198
I finally stopped lurking on this site and joined.
It has brought me through an international move, two new jobs... and so many real people that I consider some of my closest friends even though we are all over the world.
Five years ago, I had forgotten who I wanted to be. Life had found a way of beating me down over and over. What this site did, was remind me of my youth, my passion and my desires in creativity. I found like minded, smart and capable people that have assisted me in all the different ways you can. They have taught me about myself, and shared with me their zest for living, laughter and love.
They continue to do so.
For that right now, I do not celebrate that I have lasted five years here... instead I celebrate the site and the vitality it offers for those willing to look a little deeper, be a little more real- all while playing a game within a game that has social and real life implementations.
How you do anything is how you do everything.
Consider that as you mock those who are here and real. Take a moment to remember when you point at someone you have three fingers pointing right back at you... and then have compassion- for at some point we all are "less than" and are complete fools.
I am grateful for you, even the dumb ones. After all if you live by the three L's then you know laughter is important ;)
Namaste Motherfuckers :D
What I want to say
17:00 Jul 08 2010
Times Read: 1,241
I’m so very sorry it has come to this, yet honestly I have to say it is a bit of a relief for me. See I’ve been blaming myself with the attempts to work within the parameters I was given. You wanted to be close friends; only I don’t think you’ve ever had someone like me around before.
I’m not used to friends that don’t call me on my shit, actually my closest friends are that way because they do.
What broke this friendship was my realization that I was the last person to know about your plans. I heard the hints dropped by our mutual friends, took note of them, and gave you the benefit of the doubt. Frankly I could care less that you wanted tits and ass on your arm- I get the desire to have sex with someone attractive and I even appreciate your reasoning for wanting that. But when were you going to tell me?
Because my visit was not planned, and other people had been giving me the hints for months. After? Not very friendly of you, actually it is downright un-friendly. That is what has bothered me. You want me around, so you can point at me and say, “see she’s chasing ME! Poor me, poor poor me… I simply don’t know what to do to let her down easy.”
What they don’t see is the hours of conversations, where you ASKED for a close relationship when I WANTED TO LEAVE. You did not let me go. Make no mistake of that- it was YOU. In the same breath, I did agree as well, in fact had the universe shit in my basement to make it clear to me that this path needed to be tread on a little longer.
But I’m done because I will not be your scapegoat and will not continue to blame myself for the break down in this friendship when it is you that has failed to communicate as an adult. Which brings me to the other reason why this is over.
You are not changing. I told you before that I do not think people truly change, they just more firmly become who they are/want to be. Your reasons superficially I understand, and if that was the extent and you said, “hey I just want to get laid” I would be ok with it. But you went on and on about wanting to show them something they never had seen, you even called them trailer trash… and then I remembered this was the same girl you complained to me about months ago with her up and down boyfriend. Ah, we are now more clear. You want to save her and feel like the man.
Please do so, because it is not the man I got to know, and I can already tell you it is not in your greater good. Because of this last bit, I must now walk away. See I can’t stand by and watch a friend self-destruct. I simply won’t do it. You said you wanted many more things, you shared what your dreams were- now they involve saving the local trailer trash? How is this the deeper relationship you expressed you wanted? Oh wait, does she not have a gag reflex? Because there was no talk of her as a person, just what you could do- sounds like the co-dependent BS you didn't want, and were actively trying to move away from. More over, it is not the type of person I wish to have as a close confidant.
Frankly I think I can find more quality friends with a sign on the corner of Dundas and Adelaide.
I wish you nothing but the best, and hope you can understand the disappointment I am feeling and the hurt at realizing what an arse you tried to play me out to be. The man I trusted and got to know would not have done this to me, and if he choose to go back he would have told me to my face and admitted the fallacy of what was. But to make it seem like I’m the one pushing for more, when all I’ve tried to do is save a friendship- I’m done.
You are not for my greater good- and actively will continue to hinder me from it with the behaviours you are expressing right now.
Perhaps in time I will meet the man I grew to love as a friend. Unless he returns, don’t bother.
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